Finding Jessica

A special agent, an administrative specialist and an office manager were walking to lunch when they found an antique lamp. They rubbed it and of course a magic genie appeared in a puff of smoke. "Since I always grant three wishes, you each may have one." "Me, first! Me, first!" cried the administrative specialist. "I want to drive a speedboat in the Bahamas without a care in the world!" And poof! she was gone. "Me, next! Me, next!" cried the special agent. "I want to relax on the beach in Hawaii with a personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." And poof! she was gone. Finally it was the manager's turn. The manager said, "I want those two assholes back in the office after lunch!" The moral of the story? Always let your boss have the first say!

03. I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
04. Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
05. If con is the opposite of pro,it must mean....Congress is the opposite of progress?
06. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
07. A man walked into a bar…………………………..ouch.
08. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
09. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
10. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
11. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
12. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate!
13. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
14. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
16. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
17. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
18. How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
19. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
20. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
21. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
22. Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
23. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
24. Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
27. When in doubt, mumble.
28. "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
29. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
30. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Just an FYI - going back to school after almost a full year of immeasureable DRAMA, life events, and general unluckiness is freakin scary. Not to mention the likely sleep, money, and time implications.

This is going to be crazy. By the way - if anyone knows how to get classes removed from your transcript and student account that you neither signed up for or took...let me know.

I really don't know where people get these dastardly funny bones. The jokes get better as you go down if you continue reading...

The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.



How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle .

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?



A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”.



A blonde signs up for research project testing “smart” pills.
Amazingly, the pills work and the blonde becomes smarter. So she dyes her hair and becomes a brunette.
One day, she is out driving in the country and spots a farmer in his field with his sheep. She decides to test out her new-found smartness, so she stops and walks up to the farmer. She says, “If I can correctly guess how many sheep you have in your field, can I have one of them?”

The farmer, thinking it was a safe bet, says, “Sure.”

She says, “578.”

The farmer says, “Wow, that is correct. I guess you can pick out your sheep.”

So, the blonde picks out a sheep and puts it in the trunk of her car.

But before she call pull away, the farmer says, “Wait. If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?”.

So aparently the Spirit Committee at my job found out that today is National Joke Day. A funny (supposedly) IT person decided to create a fake company email and send this piece of goodness around. Get ready to shake your head after you gasp.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"


Source (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke)

Again with the in-office hilarity...whoop WHOOP!

Oh, and DISCLAIMER: contains one or more unedited words that I did not insert myself. NOT edited for content!

The little girl, who had just started to read her book replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Ths is TOO FUNNY! I love in-office chain mail, its filtered to be the best!!!

A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom?
People actually grow, eat and like okra.
Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do that.
There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'
You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.
You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car.
You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and hot sauce.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You know what a hissy fit is.
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no dang Driver's Ed.   If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!