A special agent, an administrative specialist and an office manager were walking to lunch when they found an antique lamp. They rubbed it and of course a magic genie appeared in a puff of smoke. "Since I always grant three wishes, you each may have one." "Me, first! Me, first!" cried the administrative specialist. "I want to drive a speedboat in the Bahamas without a care in the world!" And poof! she was gone. "Me, next! Me, next!" cried the special agent. "I want to relax on the beach in Hawaii with a personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." And poof! she was gone. Finally it was the manager's turn. The manager said, "I want those two assholes back in the office after lunch!" The moral of the story? Always let your boss have the first say!
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01. Two peanuts were walking down the road when one was "assaulted" (a salted)
02. A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
03. I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
04. Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.
05. If con is the opposite of pro,it must mean....Congress is the opposite of progress?
06. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
07. A man walked into a bar…………………………..ouch.
08. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
09. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
10. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
11. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
12. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate!
13. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
14. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
16. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
17. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
18. How do you fix a broken Jack-o-Lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
19. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
20. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
21. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
22. Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
23. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
24. Procrastination has it's good side. You always have something to do tomorrow.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
27. When in doubt, mumble.
28. "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
29. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
30. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
31. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
